Don’t Give Up!

This was something very hard for me to write. Its about the lowest point in my life to date. It was filled with emotions and it still hurts to think about it even today. But I feel that I should share it with others, if not only to at least give credit to some people who may never know of their influence on me that day….

“Don’t Give Up” is a song title and there is a Wikipedia page where you will find out why Peter Gabriel wrote it. In a nutshell, Peter was inspired when he learned about the struggles of the dust bowl in the US and equated it to economic struggles occurring in England at the time. It is about depression and it’s antithesis — hope and encouragement. When applied to the song, Peter sings primarily the depression parts and Kate Bush sings the hope and encouragement parts in a beautifully composed duet.

I believe that the song is written generically enough that it can really apply to any depression based scenario. It amazed me how much the lyrics applied directly to a particular situation I was going through and how I connected to it one very fateful day. I had listened to the song hundreds of times before that day (love the So album in general), but I never really got the meaning of the lyrics or their message. Maybe it was my heightened emotional state, but on this particular day…it really hit me. Actually, that is not really adequate or strong enough to explain what happened. But it came at the exact time I needed it…and boy did I need it!

A little bit of background…

Most of my life I was burdened with what I would call a mild level of depression. It’s typically referred to as dysphoria and was caused due to issues with gender and the fact that I thought that I may have been a girl trapped in a boys body. Something I became aware of at 4 years old and had been dealing with my entire life. I had tried to come out several times as a child and even briefly started transition when I was 33, but I never found much support. Each time I was presented with feelings of discouragement and urged not to pursue any changes. Instead, I was actively encouraged to stay as I was, meet the commitments I had made, and continue on the course (of being my male genetic self).

Although there were times when dealing with these were very tough, I was able to deal with the times of depression, pick myself up, and get through it. Well, all that changed in May of 2015. I found myself in another depressing situation. Separated from my wife, kids now mostly grown and out of the house, and facing some financial troubles with the impending divorce. This became even more complicated when even more financial distress came with the introduction of salary reductions at work. I was in no need for any other problems to be piled on top of these issues, when my gender issues decided to also bubble up…and big time. Only this time they were accompanied with major amounts of Anxiety!

It didn’t take to long before I could no longer go on living the way I was. I had to take control of my gender issues…and I had to do it now. Only issue was, that I was scared to death of transitioning. I would be signing up for even more ridicule. I would have to tell work that I was transgender and transitioning. My kids would need to know, my extended family would need to know, my auto mechanic would need to know…everyone! Only a few select people knew anything about it at that time. Could I even live through the process? I wasn’t even sure if I was strong enough to endure it. I felt that I had blown my chance when I had tried to transition earlier. Would things like hormones even still work on me now that I was older?

When you start piling up this many problems, you quickly get to the point where you start questioning whether it is worth it to carry on or not. It did not take very long to become suicidal. This is where I was, and it was bad!

I had picked at drop dead date (7/4/2015). If things didn’t turn around by that date or I couldn’t figure it out, I was going to end it. I had had enough. With no path forward, I did not want to continue. So, I planned it and thought about the details of how I was going to do it. The plan was to drive my truck off of a local bridge that went over a deep ravine carved by the Lehigh River. The intent was that it would look like a tragic accident. There would be no notes or explanation. (My life insurance had a suicide clause and I was hoping that the money could be used to settle my estate, bury me, etc.) Hit it at speed…and between the initial crash and fall; that it would hopefully be enough to take my life. I was hoping it would be fairly quick and painless. Others had accidents on that bridge with similar results, so it should work for me.

With a heavy heart I got into my truck and started the drive towards my destination. Then, I realized my bike was still in the back of my truck. Bike rides were always a good place to think. I had worked out lots of issues on bike rides before, so maybe it would work this time too. I had been doing that all weekend, which is why the bike was back there in the first place. I decided to give it one more chance, one more bike ride before going to the bridge. The bridge, of course, would still be there.

Just like the prior rides, this one was also not helping, in fact it was making things worse. Still focusing on everything negative, I eventually turned around and was heading back to the truck. I had decided I was done. I was going straight to the bridge as soon as I got back to the truck. My mind was driving me nuts and things were getting worse as the miles went by. I needed to do something just to allow me to not fall down on the ground and turn into a puddle of goo. Something to settle my brain and get me to my destination…

I was done, I was done thinking about it, I was done trying to work it out. That’s when I turned on some music…and this song came on…

So, now lets analyze the song, Lyric by Lyric and what I was thinking about when I heard them that day:

In this proud land we grew up strong
We were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail

To me, it was describing how I grew up in a loving family and how I was taught the value of hard work. This ingrained in me a can do attitude and to always think positive. Although I faced issues in the past, I was always able to pick myself up and get through it. I had thought that I could never fail, but I knew, at the time, I was failing. The lyric had connected with me and grabbed my attention. So, I really started to listen…

No fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted

This really described the state I was in. I had no fight left, I had given up. Still perceived as male at the time…quite literally my dreams and any reason to continue seamed to have long since disappeared.

I’ve changed my face, I’ve changed my name

I had been using an alias name for years (I did officially change it legally to that alias later…) so this also directly hit home. Changing my face correlated to me about doing makeup in an attempt to blend in and show my true self.

But no one wants you when you lose

I was facing a lot of ridicule every time I went out in public. I was not passing and it made me feel very much like a loser. It was becoming obvious that transition was never going to work for me. Would hormones even still work at my later age? I blew my chance when I reversed course at 33…

At this point, Kate Bush comes in with our first words of hope and encouragement

Don’t give up

I felt like she was speaking directly to me telling me not to do it; don’t commit suicide. I had given up and she was telling me not do that…

’Cause you have friends

The reason…because I had people that loved me…

Don’t give up
You’re not beaten yet
Don’t give up
I know you can make it good

If this isn’t the words I needed at that moment…. She was telling me that although I couldn’t see it, I could get through this. It would get better, and that I was strong enough to do it!

Peter comes back…and its back to depression time…

Though I saw it all around
Never thought I could be affected
Thought that we’d be the last to go
It is so strange the way things turn

I was aware of the frequency of suicide rates in the transgender community. I had thought that I was immune to it. I thought about calling a hotline, but that would not work with accident plan. It would document it… I never thought I could get to such a low place in my life…but here I was….

Drove the night toward my home
The place that I was born, on the lakeside
As daylight broke, I saw the earth
The trees had burned down to the ground

This set of lyrics were some of the only ones that actually did not apply. I thought maybe it was a metaphor to something, but I couldn’t think of any at the time. Looking back now…it now seems to be a relationship to destroying things and the turmoil I may have been creating or about to create.

Kate Bush comes back for another round…

Don’t give up
You still have us

Another request not to do anything. The word “us” was reminding of family that still loved me…

Don’t give up
We don’t need much of anything

No one was there asking me to do anything.

Don’t give up
’Cause somewhere there’s a place
Where we belong

Boom. There it was…it was telling me that there was a place for me. Despite the ridicule I had been facing…

Rest your head
You worry too much
It’s going to be alright
When times get rough
You can fall back on us

Kate was literally telling me I was worrying to much, and that things were going to be alright. And that there were people out there who could help me.

Don’t give up
Please don’t give up

Again, a request, pleading, not to go through with it.

Peter comes back, but rather than depression…he sort of transitions into another phase, where he is trying to pick himself up?

‘Got to walk out of here
I can’t take anymore
Going to stand on that bridge
Keep my eyes down below

I saw it as almost direct reference to what I was about to do. Get out of here and head to my bridge, focusing on the drop below…

Whatever may come
And whatever may go
That river’s flowing
That river’s flowing

I began to realize that no matter what I did, life was going to go on. The river (the Lehigh) at the bottom of my bridge was going to continue on flowing regardless of what I did…the rest of the world would continue on. My issues were very small when considering a much bigger picture. (It was the beginning of me gaining some perspective…)

Moved on to another town
Tried hard to settle down
For every job, so many men
So many men no-one needs

As part of the separation, I had to move to an area where we had a second home. I had no friends there, so I was feeling very alone and maybe a little restless.

Kate comes back with her pleading…

Don’t give up
’Cause you have friends
Don’t give up
You’re not the only one

Made me realize that I was not the only transgender person out there that has struggling with this. Believe or not…at the time it gave me some solace just knowing that… It was something I had forgotten about. I had become so micro-focused on my situation, I was shutting out everyone else around me.

Don’t give up
No reason to be ashamed

There were times that I had felt the shame of being different. I was also aware of the embarrassment I may impose onto those close to me if I went forward with transition. Kate was directly telling me that it wasn’t something I should be ashamed about…

Don’t give up
You still have us
Don’t give up now
We’re proud of who you are

She was starting to change my mind. Maybe I had the wrong perspective…maybe those who loved and supported me would still be there. Just maybe instead of being embarrassed, they would learn to be proud of what I was and what I needed to be doing?

Don’t give up
You know it’s never been easy

Yeah, if that's not the understatement of the year! Nothing about this situation, my life, or anything else has ever come easy… I know that one all too well!

Don’t give up
’Cause I believe there’s a place
There’s a place where we belong

The song lyrics end here with the reminder that there was a place that I belonged. With that, the song really started to change my thinking. I started to realize that most things I was agonizing over had actually not yet happened. I assumed that I was going to be rejected again. I assumed my kids would desert me, I assumed everyone would continue to laugh and ridicule me. I started to realize that none of it had happened yet. Death was so final a solution and I hadn’t even tried to transition or move forward yet.

The song is 6 minutes and 29 seconds long. Before that 6 and a half minutes, I was committed to dying. After it, I had decided that I needed to try transitioning again. I needed to give others in my life a chance. Amazing how a single song and some words can change things in a short time period.

When I got back to the truck, instead of driving to the bridge, I went home. The following day (Monday), I called my health insurance and told them I needed to talk with a gender therapist. They asked a little bit about why and encouraged me to call the Suicide Hotline. I told them that I had been through hell but was OK and didn’t need that at the moment. It took a couple months…but I eventually found someone who could help…

Am I glad I went on that bike ride? Am I glad that I listened to the words of that song? Yes, I am! And I would like to publicly thank Peter Gabriel for writing that song. And also thank Peter and Kate Bush for talking directly to me through that song that day. You inadvertently helped pull me out of my depression that day and likely helped save my life.

Today, when I hear the song, or go by the bridge…many of the emotions of that day come back. I think it may do that for the rest of my life. I think that when you go through a process like this, it never quite leaves you. You learn a little more about depression, how low you can sink to, the influence of others, and how vulnerable we all really are.

Although this may change, here’s a link to the song if you are not familiar with it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjEq-r2agqc