The “B” side

Things that I still struggle with

Christine Penn


TW (trigger warning) — this story is about things that get me depressed, which may hit close to home for you as well. If you are sensitive to such things, it may not be the best story to read.

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

Years ago, a hit song from a band may have been released for individual purchase in the form of a 45 record. The 45 was a reference to the speed at which you needed to play it on your record player; at 45 RPM (Revolutions Per Minute). The record contained the “hit” song on the A side, usually accompanied with a less popular song on the B side.

Occasionally we will hear a reference to this old fashioned combination when we post things on social media. Most of the time we post happy things in our lives. Things like a child birth, a special event like a marriage, a christening, retirements, etc. These things are like the “hits” in our lives, or the “A” side of life. More rarely do we see anything posted about the more unpopular things that happen in our lives — or the “B” side of life.

People typically only post things about the A side of their lives

In recent years, I feel that you have gotten to see more of the B side of my life, as I have struggled with set backs from surgeries and other life complications. But there is a deeper side, stuff I usually don’t talk about at all. One of these is how I continue to struggle with times of depression. So hold on, this could get ugly, as we talk about recent events that led to me getting depressed…


Easter got me going because it reminds me of family, special spring outfits, and small kids with chocolate bunnies smeared across their faces and hands. Those special moments coloring eggs the night before and later, the exploration of a yard in search of those same colored eggs. The joy on the faces of those kids as they search through a basket for the gifts and candy they know are going to be there. Getting dressed up, going to church, and possibly visiting family for a spring/Easter get together. It also reminds me of going camping, as the kids grew older, it usually became our first outing of the season.

I don’t really mind these memories, as they are important to me. However, now that those times are in the past, remembering them…



Christine Penn

Trans woman, parent, cyclist, software engineer, author, chef, and many other things.